


Ceasefire of the Senses

by StrayKarma



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alexythimia, Alternate Universe - Boy Band, Can't understand his own feelings, Crime Fighting, Denial of Feelings, Drunken Kissing, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Hyunlix, Kissing, Love, M/M, Neck Kissing, References to Illness, Sleepy Kisses, Sloppy Makeouts, Stray Kids Imagines, Stray Kids Smut, Teamwork, minsung - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-21 12:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30021759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrayKarma/pseuds/StrayKarma
Summary: Anything could happen within seconds and anyone's dreams could collapse at any time. However it's your decision to either give up everything or fight for your own future till your last breath.Felix was a bright kid as everyone knew. He was always thoughtful, caring and able to help others whenever they needed it. He was cheerful, affectionate and ready to trust everyone. Sometimes he was angry, sad and even disappointed with others around him, too. He was emotionally overwhelmed like everyone else. However, that was him before the car crash happened.A story in which Felix suffers from Alexithymia, the inability to feel, or understand others' feelings.Felix decides to follow his dreams and join the kpop industry. However, things don't go as planned...
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix, Lee Felix & Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 27
Kudos: 60





	1. Rough start

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, it's me StrayKarma!
> 
> This is my first story in AO3 and I hope you to enjoy this story as much as I do!
> 
> I actually was inspired to write this ff after watching the kdrama «Alice». This story has nothing to do with the kdrama. I just simply got inspired by the main lead's condition, Alexithymia.
> 
> P.s. English is not my main language, however I've tried my best to make this both readable and enjoyable!

Felix was a bright kid as everyone knew. He was always thoughtful, caring and able to help others whenever they needed it. He was cheerful, affectionate and ready to trust everyone. Sometimes he was angry, sad and even disappointed with others around him, too. He was emotionally overwhelmed like everyone else. However, that was him before the car crash happened.

.•° ✿ °•.

«Oh! Mom, look! His hand moved!» someone near Felix exclaimed surprised. _Why does my head hurt so bad_? Felix opened his eyes slowly. He wasn't sure where he was or what had happened. He adjusted his vision for a bit, then looked around him with a vague expression. «I told you his eyes weren't blue.»

«Who are you.» Felix's voice trembled. The girl next to him patted his hand with compassion. _Why am I in a hospital_? Suddenly a nurse entered the room with a doctor. They quickly run and stood next to Felix.

«All vitals are normal.» The nurse said in disbelief. «How is this possible?» Felix started moving his legs and his hand touched his head. _It feels like my head is going to explode_. 

«What's happening? My head hurts.» Felix said trying to sit on the hospital bed. Next to him there was an old lady lying in a coma and a teenage girl looking at him.

«Do you remember your name or what happened to you?» The doctor asked Felix, while writing down some notes. Felix nodded and said his name out loud.

«I am Felix and I-» He tried to say but he stopped immediately. Broken memories flooded Felix's thoughts and made him panic. He shook his head vigorously.

«You had a car crash...» The nurse announced with a serious tone and suddenly stopped and looked down. «...three months ago.» She continued and Felix turned his eyes to her. «You were in a coma for three months, and you were the only one that survived the crash.» _Why do I feel like this? Why can't I feel anything_?

«Okay. Can I go home now?» Felix asked quietly and the doctor looked at the nurse confused. «Run any tests you want for now, but I can't stay here for long.»

«W-why?» The nurse looked kinda worried. Her expression was so confusing and even Felix couldn't understand what she was feeling at that time.

«I need to practice for my audition. If three months have passed, then my audition it's in a month. I need to hurry.» Felix said as he stood up quickly. The doctor looked like he wanted to say something and so Felix waited for his piece of mind.

«Felix, your parents and your sister, didn't make it. Are you okay? How do you feel?» Everyone in the room were looking at Felix waiting for his reaction. Felix had just woken up from a coma, and learned that his family had passed away so everyone looked worried. _Nothing. I feel nothing._

«I am...okay.» Felix spat some words quickly. 

«I think he has PTSD. We should also run a brain scan.» The doctor demanded and the nurse ran outside the room. 

«I seriously am okay. Do I really have to feel or say something for them when they aren't here anyway?» Felix scolded him and the doctor looked at him confused. Felix's words were filled with pure logic, so he couldn't say anything against him. However there was something that clearly wasn't right. The atmosphere in the room slightly changed when the doctor touched Felix's shoulder.

«Felix what do feel right now?» _Nothing_. «Are you confused? Angry? Or Sad?» _Nothing_.

«S-sir, I don't feel anything specifically. I am not mad or angry or even confused. I really am okay.»

 _But, am I really..? Okay_?

.•° ✿ °•.

The days passed quickly and Felix was already out of hospital. The doctors claimed that Felix didn't have PTSD. Felix was diagnosed with **_Alexithymia_**. The inability to identify and describe emotions experienced by one's self or others.

Felix clearly didn't think anything about his condition. He wasn't worried, afraid or sad about it. He just accepted his state as it was. He had suffered from a serious brain injury due to the car crash, and now he was living like nothing bad has happened to him. His thoughts were clear and logical. He didn't have to feel sorrow for the ones he lost. He didn't also have to smile with no reason to everyone…or even laugh in the first place. He realized that emotions were exhausting and he _felt_ … Actually he didn't _feel_ , but he _thought_ that his condition was actually okay for him.

The day had come eventually and Felix was in the studio getting ready for his audition. His goal was to pass the audition and get accepted by the _MC Entertainment_. He wanted to join the music industry as soon as he was eighteen because he had given a promise to his mother days before the accident happened. And for some reason, now Felix thought he was obliged to do it. He thought that promises were obviously made to be kept and done. And so, he worked just as much as he needed to get accepted. Not more or less.

«I'll be famous and I'll make you proud. I promise.» These were the words he said and that was the promise that he gave. And now with the lack of fear and anticipation, he was ready for anything.

Felix, however, was also surrounded by a lot of boys that seemed to be at the same age as him. He wanted to be seen but not to see others. That's why he auditioned for a solo contract. Being solo sounded too right in his ears.

«Hey.» A boy said standing in front of Felix. He accidentally stepped on his backpack so he looked at him blankly.

«Can you move?» Felix asked, trying to pull his bag under the boy's foot. The boy seemed kinda familiar to him, that's why he kept staring at him trying to remember.

«Oh Gosh! Sorry, mate. Are you here for the audition?» The boy asked as he quickly stepped off Felix's backpack. He then sat next to him and waited for his answer. 

«Yes.» Felix answered and took a look of him. The boy was at the same height as him and his body looked worked out. His hair was brown and he had some weird headphones resting on his neck. He also spotted bruises on the boy's ankles but he didn't say anything. 

«I am here for the audition, too.» he laughed and continued to look at Felix filled with excitement. «Are you nervous?»

«No.» Felix spat avoiding eye contact with him.

«Aren't you anxious, at al?»

«No I am not.»

«Did you sleep well? I couldn't. I was thinking about the audition.» the boy chuckled.

«Okay.»

«What song do you think they'll make us dance or sing?»

«I don't know.»

«Um..what songs did you prepare?»

«I prepared 152 songs. So it's impossible to answer that question right now. It'll take 9 minutes to just quickly name all the songs.»

« _What_!?152? Are you _kidding_?»

«Should I?»

«You really lack in communication, don't you?» The boy said and Felix looked at him again expressionless. He then handed him some make-up and stood up.

«Yeah.»

«Wait, what's this?» the boy asked again confused.

«For your ankles. It doesn't look good. You might get eliminated for that.» Felix said and silently walked away from the boy. _Too much talking._

« _Lee Felix please come in the studio_.» A woman's voice sounded from the speakers in the waiting room and instantly Felix walked inside the studio. He quickly took a look at the room and he carefully stood in front of the judges. There was a wide desk with three seats in front of him, two of them taken by the company's CEO head-leaders. One of the seats was empty.

«Introduce yourself.» One of them took the lead and Felix nodded unbothered.

«I'm Lee Felix. I'm eighteen years old and I'm from--» Felix tried to say but the door opened and someone cut him off out of the blue.

«Sorry, I was taking a break outside.» The boy from before quickly ran and took a seat next to the CEOs. _What's happening_?

«Bang Chan. Come on, we just started.» One of them whispered.

«Oh it's you, the non-communicator guy!» He shouted with excitement and turned his head to the other judges. «This guy said to me that he prepared 150 songs.» He then continued and the other judges seemed surprised. _Is he really Bang Chan from Stray Kids_? _He's so much different face-to-face without makeup and all_.

«152.» Felix corrected him unbothered and looked at them with zero excitement. They all laughed with his comment and then looked at the files in front of them.

«So you're Lee Felix, you're 18 and you're from..?»

«Australia.»

«Oh mate, me too! That explains your accent.»

«Yes.»

«Do you have anything that might get you in trouble if you get famous?» The other CEO asked and Felix nodded negatively.

«No sir.»

«I see here that you've visited several times a psychologist. Do you suffer from anything serious that we should know?» he continued.

«I had a car crash four months ago. And I…lost my emotional state of mind.» Felix announced with no fear as he didn't break any eye contact. «I was diagnosed with Alexithymia, sir. It doesn't affect my physical state. I just am more straightforward and I have difficulty in understanding mine or others' feelings.»

The judges seemed to be fascinated by the presence and the story of Felix. They looked at Felix for a while and started whispering with each other. Felix also noticed that the boy from before looked at him differently now that he knew his storyline. 

«Ok Felix. For sure you know how to make a difference and make your presence remarkable. We'll shortly give you songs to dance and sing. Please get ready.»


	2. Unexpected Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's StrayKarma again!❤️
> 
> And so the fun begins!  
> This chapter really has it all!
> 
> I also decided to post this chapter today too because why not lmao.
> 
> As always, have a good read! Xoxo

Felix got out of the studio, sweat dripping off his body. For sure, he knew he had amazed both of the CEOs. He had just danced 34 different choreographies randomly in just 48 minutes, something no-one has ever done before. He was so sure that he was the first pick for the solo contract.

Felix walked calmly to the cafeteria near the reception and stood in front of a vending machine. He took a coin out of his wallet and pushed some random buttons cautiously. The vending machine started moving but suddenly it stopped without dropping anything. _Fuck_ . _That was my last coin_. He thought looking again at his wallet with a vague expression.

Suddenly a group of six guys entered the room and the atmosphere there changed rapidly. Felix didn't even bother to give them a second glance and he started hitting the vending machine with his hand. He wanted something to drink immediately. His mouth was gradually getting sore. Felix continued to shake impatiently the machine and bit his bottom lip showing his determination.

«What did the poor thing do to you?» A blond boy whined from behind and Felix stayed still for a second. «Here let me help you.»

«It's broken.» Felix murmured and took a better look at the boy next to him. He had long blonde hair and he was wearing a beanie. Felix also noticed that the boy was taller than him, and his clothing style was actually cool. The boy leaned forward and put a coin in the incision.

«You just hurt its feelings. That's why it's not cooperating with you.» He laughed and Felix just stared at him, with zero emotion. _I don't even read human feelings_ , Felix thought. «Here, ehm-, do you want me to sign it?» The boy coughed awkwardly, handing him a can that just fell from the machine. _Why is he acting so cocky all of a sudden_ ? _Is he from Stray Kids too_? Felix looked at him again trying to think who was just standing in front of him. Felix questioned again himself when he saw the group logo on his backpack.

«No. However you should low your self esteem and tie those shoe laces.» Felix answered abruptly, then turned his back and walked to the waiting room again. However, he could sense a small smirk at the boy's face as he walked away. _He's weird_.

The hours passed by without even knowing and a loud thumb suddenly came from the speakers. « _The results are now out. You can get a look at the results on our information board.»_

Felix stood up and followed the people near him. Shortly, everyone was gathered in front of a paper pinned on board. There was definitely a chaotic atmosphere once everyone read that paper. There were loud voices, shouting full with anger and disappointment. Others were laughing happily and hugging eachother.

Felix didn't hurry like others did. He waited his turn and eventually looked at the name list. His eyes widened and then gulped in confusion. _This must not be it_ . _My name_ **_isn't_ ** _there_. Felix closed his hand in a fist and took a step back. He was so sure he did better than anyone in that room. For a second he even thought he actually felt something.

 _«Mr. Lee Felix, please come as soon as possible inside studio A..._ » Felix muscles tensed when he heard his name out of the blue from the other side of the room. He turned all the way around and almost ran to studio A. 

He stepped again into the studio and sighed with the view. The two CEOs were standing next to a group of boys and they all were looking at Felix with mixed reactions. _What's going on_ ? _Why did they call me in front of them_?

«Is it really him?»

«Is he the vending machine boy?»

«He looks too serious. Looks like no fun.»

«Ya! He can hear you.»

«Do we really need him?» The boys all whispered within themselves and Felix completely ignored them.

«Okay, boys stop talking now! Please Felix come forward.» One of the CEOs ordered and smiled kindly at him. Felix stepped near them and bowed respectfully. «Felix we have a proposition for you...» He then continued. «As you probably know, these boys are known as Stray Kids. I know you auditioned for a solo contract, but we can only provide you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...»

Felix glared at the other boys for a second and realised where this proposition was going. He could sense that they would propose to him to join the group. That's why before even letting the CEO finish his sentence,he took a step back and glared at them.

«I can only do solo.» Felix interrupted him and again gained all the attention. «I thought that I explained myself beforehand.» He added with a serious tone and everyone in the room exchanged blank stares. Felix wasn't afraid to speak for himself anymore and he didn't care even if his words were too straightforward or rude.

«We... did think of your situation and we made our decision based on what's the best for you.» One of the CEOs spoke and then tapped gently on Felix's shoulder. «If you do this, you will instantly get the double attention all these guys have gained through this year in a day! Your face will be on this year's billboard and you'll have a chance to perform on various big stages.»

«Is he serious?» One of the members laughed angrily. «People beg for opportunities like this.» he commented.

«Well I don't.» Felix answered unbothered.

«Excuse me?»

«I am not going to beg for something that I know I don't deserve.» He explained himself and noticed that many of the members were actually enjoying the intensity of the conversation.

«Really? That was the bright kid you were talking about on the phone?» The boy hissed angrily at Chan and then turned to the CEOs. «He has no self-control. How can we even work with him in the first place?» he crossed his hands together and cursed.

«Han, please calm down.» Chan said and pulled him closer. 

«I came here to become a solo artist, sir. If you can't provide this to me I-»

«You can't just go solo with zero experience.» Han almost hissed at Felix. «We've all been trainees for years before Stray Kids was formed. You cannot just come here with zero experience and sign a solo contact. You really are something...» Han spat ironically and Felix finally stared at him.

«I think I can now understand the difference between you and me.» Felix left his backpack fall on the floor. He took a step closer to Han «You started from zero. I am starting from ten. I'm already there you see...Ready for this.» He continued and Han's muscles tensed up. Han was about to throw hands at him but then Chan spoke. 

«If you really were a ten, you would have been able to be respectful and think before you speak. Do you need us all to tell you that you're being rude? Or you're doing this on purpose?» Chan said calmly and looked at Felix compassionately. «I saw your potential right there at the audition. I get that you know yourself better that anyone, but no-one will give you a contract like this. This is the best you can do for yourself, really. Don't be straight up greedy and think about it at least.» 

Felix tried to put his thoughts in order within seconds. He knew that he deserved better, but Chan's words were also true. He didn't know if other companies would accept him or ever provide him a contract in the first place. But one thing he knew for sure was that, if he signed the contract, the boys surely wouldn't get along with him. Felix sighed and turned to Han.

«Han, if I made you upset I can't feel sorry for you. And if I made any of you feel negatively about me, I really couldn't care less. I don't have the luxury, you see.» Han and the others tilted their heads trying to understand what Felix was talking about. «As I said at the audition, I have Alexithymia. I can't feel, or detect others' feelings. I can't have fun. I can't feel sorry or sad about anything. I can't feel anything.» Felix explained himself and the boys started looking at each other awkwardly. «It will be hard for you and me if I accept this.»

Han took a step back and his hands traced his hair nervously. He seemed confused and regretful; that's why he avoided eye-contact. The CEOs started whispering and so Felix decided to lift his backpack from the floor.

«A-are you a sociopath?» A younger boy asked hesitantly and the others seemed to think about it for a second. «He isn't going to kill us in our sleep right?»

«Jeongin!» The boy from the vending machine laughed and covered his mouth. «Don't think about what he says. He's the youngest here.» Felix nodded and turned to the CEOs. 

«Hyunjin! Let me remind you that he's going to sleep in your room if he signs the contract. You should worry more about that too.» Jeongin whispered and Hyunjin gulped and almost choked.

Felix thought in seconds about his situation. He was currently working at three different jobs, trying to make ends meet. Felix barely could pay the rent and he had no-one close enough to help him. He basically had no other choice to make but to accept. 

«Okay.» Felix sighed and rolled his eyes. «Where do I sign?» he then asked and noticed that the boys' expressions changed radically. 

_I have no other choice._

_I can't pay my family's rent and taxes anyway, so refusing it's not an option for now._

_I should make this work_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I loved the tension between Han and Felix idk why lmao. What did you like in this chapter? 
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos!❤️


	3. Tension in between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's StrayKarma again!
> 
> I really like this chapter actually. Prepare yourselves for iconic interactions! Hehe:3  
> Also, next chapter will be up on Tuesday!
> 
> Stay happy, healthy and have a good read! Xoxo ❤️

«I knew that he was going to make the right choice!» One of the CEOs exclaimed with excitement. «We'll be right back with the paperwork ready then.» he continued and Felix nodded. Both of the CEOs left the room and Felix decided to explore the studio a bit more. He took a few steps but soon after, he noticed how the other boys were whispering about him.

«Well, I was expecting that…Obviously he's here for the attention.» 

«Minho...» Chan scolded him and looked back at Felix.

«I mean if I were him, I would do the same thing, don't get me wrong.» Minho laughed and Felix gave him an empty stare. «He just made his presence known.»

«Well I don't feel comfortable with him.» Han whispered to Chan, squeezing slightly his arm. «Almost everyone in the group is against it. Can't you see?» 

«Hyunjin what do you think?» Chan asked in disbelief.

«I don't have anything against him, to be honest.» Hyunjin replied and just shrugged.

«Changbin, you?» 

«I'm okay as well. Seungmin feels the same.»

«I can speak for myself, you know.» Seungmin said annoyed. «I'm not okay with this. He's weird.»

«You know you're weird too, right?» Changbin asked and burst out in laughter, feeling proud with his own joke.

«You're the dwaekki here, not me." Seungmin replied and Changbin gave him a deadly stare.

«YA!»

Chan simply sighed and looked at the floor completely defeated. It had been seconds and there was already a chaotic atmosphere in the room. Chan took a step back and his eyes met Felix's, then he decided to speak up.

«Felix, come here for a sec.» Chan suddenly ordered with a serious tone and the boys almost hid behind the leader of the group. Felix stood in front of him and waited for him to speak again. «Are you really going to do this?»

«Yes» Felix answered casually.

«Are you serious about it, though?»

«Yeah, either way my options are limited.» 

«Should we make him sleep on the balcony?» Han whispered at Minho's ear, cautiously. Minho smirked but then Chan's voice echoed in the room again unexpectedly.

«Here's the thing...We had a bad start, can't we all agree?» Chan looked first at the boys behind him and then at Felix. «From now on everyone must acknowledge Felix's condition. If he can't feel something, we should help him understand it instead at least.» he continued but Felix's eyes darkened. 

Since the accident, everyone had been looking at Felix either with pity, or with denial. There wasn't even one person that saw him as a whole person for once. It was like Felix was a living illness and nobody actually cared about him as a real life person. Felix didn't care much about it, but there were so many negative thoughts surrounding him because of that.. 

«I don't want your pity. I can mind my own business, and you can mind yours.» Felix spoke and Minho laughed mockingly.

«That could happen, if we weren't an actual group...» Minho commented with a slight smirk. «You know that word, right? The one that starts with 'team' and ends with 'work'? Yeah...we actually need that to cooperate.». He nudged Felix with his sarcasm. 

«It would be easier if he was deaf. Or blind, don't you think?» Han continued as he rolled his eyes.

«No, it wouldn't.» Felix instantly replied and then turned towards Han. «Again, you would have seen the disability first, and then the person behind it.» Han gasped and took a step forward as his muscles tensed up. «It's okay Han, I guess your own disability is to just be empty-minded, and have no brain.» Felix continued and Hyunjin quickly grabbed Han to stop him from moving forward.

«Speak to me like that one more time, and I'll show you how I can move my fists without a brain!» Han spat at Felix while he was trying to break free from Hyunjin's grip.

«Should I show you how I move my fists **with** a brain then?» Felix asked unafraid but then Chan suddenly stepped between the two of them.

«Enough!» Chan shouted with anger and everyone jumped in fear, except from Felix. «What are you? A five-year-old?» he scolded Han again and then turned to Felix. «If you really want to do this, think before you speak! If you can't feel nothing, think ten times more before you act!» He shouted at Felix and everyone in the room was completely in shock. 

Chan wasn't the kind of person that would shout, or scold someone and that's why all of them were trembling in fear at that moment. Even Felix couldn't believe the words Chan threw at his face. That was the first time in four months, someone had ever talked to him normally like that.

«We're here for you as a person, with great abilities. Not for that _shitty_ illness of yours! And Han if you don't stop, all of you will get a red strike.» Chan almost hissed at the boys. 

Felix could now understand why Chan was the leader or the group. He could make all the boys look at the floor in fear with only two sentences. He knew what was right and wrong and didn't hesitate to intervene. Felix respected that and because of him, Felix understood that he had crossed the line with his outrageous behaviour.

«Am I clear?» Chan shouted at everyone in front of him.

«Y-yes.» Han muttered as the others nodded.

«Now, if you actually want to do this, sign the paperwork. We will try our best to work with you fairly. If not, then the exit awaits you.» He briefly explained and pointed at the exit door with his hand.

Felix looked at Chan and sighed. _He is right_ . _I shouldn't act like this_ . _I should have thought more of the situation I'm in_. The doors suddenly opened and the CEOs made their way in the room. «Did we miss anything?» One of them asked confused as he noticed how the boys were looking at the floor nervously. 

«No, everything's fine.» Felix spoke before Chan did and walked towards them. 

«Did you have any second thoughts? You haven't changed your mind, right?»

«I actually thought...That this is indeed the best I can do for myself right now.» Felix replied and then his eyes met Chan's. «I'm really here to work myself off.» Chan slightly nodded and smiled at Felix.

«Very well, Felix. So glad to hear, but we wanted some things from you, before anything starts.» They announced unexpectedly and Felix's eyebrows quickly twitched in confusion. «We wanted you to show us something else...» they glanced at each other with excitement.

«Something else?» Felix questioned their sentence. «What do you want me to show to you?»

«A smile.» 

«A s-smile?» Felix's thoughts froze instantly as he couldn't believe in his ears. _A smile?! This is so random. I actually haven't smiled since the accident happened_. Most of the boys noticed how Felix closed his fists awkwardly, as they waited for him to take some action. 

That was the only thing that Felix hadn't even thought about for the past month, _smiling_. He obviously knew that facial expressions were crucial for a flawless stage presence, but he also didn't prepare himself for a situation like this. That's why he hesitated at that brief moment, in the first place.

«Sir, does he really need to do this?» Han surprisingly spoke and Felix's eyes met his. «Y-you can't just make someone smile, if he's not in the mood.» he explained while avoiding eye contact. Felix couldn't believe that Han was actually trying to help him out now. _What an unexpected turn of events_..

«It's okay...» Felix spat and turned to the seniors. He then awkwardly showed his teeth for five seconds. After that, his hand fixed his hair and decided to stare at the floor.

«You surely need to work with that.» One of them commented and Felix quickly nodded. «I get that you find it difficult to express emotions, but when the cameras are on you **_must not_ ** be expressionless, like that.» he continued pointing at Felix's face.

«I understand.»

«Also, we thought that your condition **_must not_ ** get leaked to the public, as well. Imagine how harmful it would be for yourself and our company.» They recommended and then Felix took a big breath in. «In other words, you _**must**_ create your own particular image for your fans. You need to be approachable and acceptable by the public. Will you be able to pull this off?»

Felix thoughts were a mess at this point. He couldn't believe that he needed to impersonate someone far from himself. He couldn't also comprehend the reason, they wanted to keep his condition a secret. _Am I really something that needs to be hidden from everyone_ ? _How can I show happiness, without even having the ability to feel anything_ . _How can I act okay, when I actually am not_ ? _Will I be able to pull this off_?

«I...can do it.» Felix replied after a few seconds.

«Then without further ado, let's welcome you to the team.» He quickly said, handing Felix a black pen for him to sign the paperwork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave kudos and to comment your favourite chapter moment!!! Im waiting for those comments heheh👀❤️ Also bookmark the story, that way you won't miss any update!
> 
> Till next chapter,  
> StrayKarma ❤️


	4. Bittercold welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's StrayKarma ❤️
> 
> This chapter really touched me at some point. It really made me feel bad for Felix, trying to hide himself. Next chapter will literally be an apocalypse, that's all I am going to say for now.
> 
> Hehehe, have a good read! ❤️

Felix had already signed the contract with that black pen and the decision had already been made. Things also started to change as the hours were passing by. From the endless manager calls, and the unbearable hour-long meetings to the deep discussions about his debut, Felix's schedule had been on fire. 

However, as the days went by, everything seemed to gradually get in position. Felix's debut date had already been published and spread throughout the media and everyone actually was obsessed about it. 

«... _A sensational new addition will happen to the legendary 4th generation boy group, **Stray Kids**! The boy boyband who climbed the music charts like it was nothing, and took the number one spot in more than 30 countries worldwide, will now welcome a new member! Who is that boy, what's his name and most importantly how does he look like? We will all find out tomorrow night! Stay put for more_...» Felix listened to the TV news' reporter as he took the last bite from his sandwich.

«So when are you leaving?» Felix's aunt asked while pairing his clothes. «Are you really going to stay in a dorm full of unknown boys?» She continued and Felix clapped his hands on the table.

«Yeah...That's on the contract unfortunately.» Felix sighed. «Apparently, we will shoot vlogs and staff during the day there and as they say, it's more convenient for us.»

«That's a bummer.» His auntie commented and Felix nodded in agreement. «I've prepared everything for you. Your hoodies, your trousers and your underwear are all in those too black suitcases. You can use this backpack to store anything you want to take with you.»

«I already used my other backpack for that. Everything is set and done.» Felix answered briefly and then tried to stretch his arms. A silent moan came out of him unexpectedly, as his joints cracked.

«You've grown a lot, Felix. I really am proud of you. And...your mother would have been so proud of you too, if she was here.» She almost whispered and then there was a weird silence.

«Yeah...» He coughed. «The company's car will be here in an hour. I am going to take a quick shower, if you don't mind.» He informed, soon after, ignoring her emotional words completely. Felix obviously changed the subject for his own shake.

«Sure go ahead.» She replied with a smile. Felix without hesitation, walked towards the bathroom, whilst silently mumbling a melody. He closed and locked the door behind him, and then looked at himself in the mirror. Few seconds passed, and he then took his phone out of his pocket. Felix tapped on his phone's photo gallery and different photos of him appeared. _Let's try this again._

«Happy.» Felix whispered and then tried to recreate his facial expressions on the mirror. «I'm very happy.» he continued and smiled at his reflection. «I feel really happy, being a part of this group. I am very…happy...to be with you, Stays.» he spoke out loud and showed his teeth. «I am...»

Felix didn't stop grinning at the mirror. If anyone actually could see him at that exact moment, he might think that he went crazy. However, as his grin continued he started giggling out of a sudden, forcing himself to laugh. Felix tried to think that there was an actual camera in front of him, and kept playing along with it. He was basically trying to act _normal_ like everyone else. 

Suddenly after a few seconds, his hands grabbed the sink and his head fell down. His smile disappeared in a split of a second, as if it never existed. Shortly Felix slowly looked again at his expressionless face through the mirror. 

It'll be challenging enough, he thought, but it isn't impossible.

.•° ✿ °•.

«Did you have a good ride?» The manager asked Felix as soon as he stepped inside the building. Felix looked casually behind him and noticed that some people were carrying his suitcases. 

«Yeah...»

«So glad to hear that. Now, let's get you settled down.» He quickly said and Felix started following him in the building. «In this building there are four dorms in use. Yours is on the 8th floor.» He added and Felix simply nodded. Then, the manager handed him a small paper note with a phone number written on it. «If you want to do anything, or need to get anything you must call me first at this number. I'll tell you what to do. Do not do anything without informing me or else we'll get in trouble.»

«Okay. Got it, now what?» Felix asked as he glanced at the elevator near them. 

«For now, you should get ready for tomorrow's night public conference. Go upstairs and have fun with the guys.» He proposed and Felix turned towards him. 

«I will. Thanks.» Felix replied and forced himself to smile for a few seconds.

«You've improved a lot, I see!» The manager laughed, full with excitement, as he captured Felix's smile.

 _I know that already_.

«We'll talk tomorrow.» 

Felix's smile disappeared as soon as he stepped inside the elevator and the doors closed. He was aware of the situation he was in, and he knew that from now on, once there was a person next to him, he would turn into someone else. Someone far from his true self. He was getting already tired, and nothing haven't even started yet.

Felix pressed for the 8th floor, and then looked around to him. His suitcases were already in there and there were also some shopping bags for 'Stray Kids' apparently, lying on the floor. The elevator bounced after seconds and the slides opened. Felix quickly carried everything out and walked towards a white entrance door. After seconds, as he took a deep breath in, he knocked. 

«Stays! He is here!» Chan exclaimed as he opened the door. Felix noticed that Chan was holding his phone capturing himself. In seconds, Felix realised that Chan was doing a vlive but for his own luck, the camera wasn't turned towards him. «No I won't show you anything. Wait for tomorrow night's live show!» Chan talked to himself as he happily walked away from Felix. Felix however sighed as he carried his suitcases inside. He then saw the members appearing one by one. Minho, Hyunjin and Jeongin, now, were looking straight at him.

«Our little fighting chicken is here.» Minho commented and smirked towards Felix. «Welcome.» He continued and soon after Jeongin spoke.

«Don't mock him. H-here let me help.» Jeongin said with his voice trembling as he carried his bags aside. At that time Felix was staring unbothered at Hyunjin blankly. Hyunjin noticed, and soon he scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

«Hello, every one.» Felix then replied and smiled at them. They all instantly froze with a mix of confusion in their faces. «Can someone show me around?» He continued and Hyunjin almost coughed at the sight. 

«Um, Hyunjin-ah, ...» Minho said trying not burst out in laughter.

«Yeah, um. Let's go.» Hyunjin announced as he exchanged weird looks with Minho. Afterwards, Minho started laughing as soon as they left the room. 

«Where's Han, Seungmin and Changbin?» Felix asked Hyunjin as he noticed that they were absent. Hyunjin frowned.

«I am actually impressed with you. You seem to know who is who already. When I came here I was confused with everyone.» He commented and Felix falsely laughed. Hyunjin's eyes trembled as his own hand fixed his blonde hair again and then he suddenly stopped walking in the corridor. «I didn't know you could laugh like that. It seems almost...»

«Real?» Felix asked and then his smile instantly disappeared. Hyunjin took a step back in shock as he saw Felix's emotions getting switched so easily. «Don't get too excited with something that isn't real.» Felix advised, taking a step forward.

«It's pretty, though…Too bad for Stays. They will love something fake.» Hyunjin replied and quickly avoided him. Felix tried to process his compliment as he tilted his head, staring at the wall in front of him. Hyunjin then walked till the end of the corridor and opened the door. «This one, is our room. I sleep on the right side, and you can take the left side. Oh... and don't sit on my bed, I really hate it.» he announced. «The room next to ours is Han's, Minho's and Jeongin's.»

«Okay.»

«Seungmin and Changbin sleep in the room next to theirs, and Chan usually sleeps in the studio room because he's always working.»

«Got it.»

«The bathroom is right outside.» Hyunjin added. Then, he saw Felix sitting on his bed. «Hey! What did I just tell you!.» He suddenly shouted at Felix. 

«I don't care, you know...» Felix spat and then took his phone out of his pocket.

«Guys! Come to the living room! The boys arrived!» Minho's voice broke the tension, and Hyunjin stormed out of the room, as he cursed.

 _I can sense, this is going to be a long first night here_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Aaaand you made it till here! You deserve an award haha! *Muawh* Thanks for reading! ❤️
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos and comment your favourite part of the chapter!❤️
> 
> Next chapter on Friday! It'll worth the wait i promise!🤭❤️


	5. Drinking Buddies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's StrayKarma again,❤️
> 
> Another day another update, but this time were getting some funny, cheeky, hot and steamy interactions! Hehehe!
> 
> This is may the longest chapter till now xoxo.
> 
> Next chapter on Sunday!❤️

Felix let out a big sigh, as he stood up from Hyunjin's bed. He fixed his hair and decided to follow Hyunjin towards the living room. Felix didn't hurry, because he knew that every single interaction with the boys till then, was a complete loss of time. Once he arrived there, most of the boys turned their eyes at him with mixed reactions.

«It's so weird that he's here now, right?» Minho whispered to Han's ear, but everyone seemed to hear that. Han didn't even bother to look towards Felix, and so he sighed. There was a complete silence afterwards. At that time, Felix noticed that all the boys were there except from Chan. Some of the boys were lying on top of eachother on the couch, and others were sitting on the floor. 

«Did someone call, or something?» Felix asked and kept standing up. He then crossed his arms full with anticipation.

«I did.» Chan suddenly appeared from behind him. Felix's eyes followed his movements, with curiosity. Chan left three bags on the table and then clapped his hands. «Come on! Gather up quickly!» He ordered an in seconds everyone sat on the floor, around the table. Felix obeyed hesitantly.

«What's happening?» Felix asked Jeongin quickly, as he sat between him and Han. 

«We're celebrating.»

«For what?» Felix frowned with confusion.

«For you, stupid.» Han spat and gave Felix a fake smile. Felix rolled his eyes ignoring his comment and then he saw Chan opening the bags he threw on the table beforehand. 

«Today we're celebrating Felix's arrival. We will welcome Felix to our family.» Chan informed as he took out various bottles of Soju. «I bet these days that passed were a torture, huh?» Chan asked Felix and silently told the other boys to help him out.

«I…was busy.» Felix answered and held the shot-glass that Jeongin handed him. «But I thought we weren't allowed to drink--»

«We are, if I say so.» Chan cut him off with a proud smile and opened the first bottle of Soju. He then started to fill shot after shot.

«I don't want to drink.» Felix pulled his glass away. Han then laughed with his sudden movement and didn't lose his opportunity to mock him.

«I told you he wouldn't drink. He's an open book. I should have bought my quokka cola instead.» Han hissed annoyed.

«It's not that I don't drink. It's just that I-»

«Don't even think about tomorrow. The live conference will be at night and you'll be sober till then. This is not an excuse.» Chan said grabbing Felix's shot-glass from his own hand, and then filling it up. «Also, I don't get a no for an answer.» The boys laughed with his last comment and they held their shots. It was like they knew what was going to happen. Felix then looked at the shot and thought about the situation.

_I have two options; to either drink and stay with the boys, or stand up and leave straight away. Felix quickly sighed and took a coin out of his pocket_.

_**Heads** , I'll stay. _

_**Tails** I'll leave. _

The boys now were staring at him with confusion. Felix quickly flipped the coin and caught it mid-air. He then opened his hand and looked down.

_**Heads**. _

_Even the fucking coin wants to torture me, shit_!

«Did you just-» Han tried to ask but Felix quickly grabbed his shot and gave him a defeated look. Han started laughing at him, and the others followed him. _If he doesn't shut the fuck up I'm going to put the shot glass up his ass_ , Felix thought holding tougher the shot.

«To quick and efficient decision making...» Chan extended his hand to the air as the others were trying not to laugh more than they already did. 

«I'll drink to that.» Seungmin chuckled and then all of them emptied their shots. «Arghh-» All of them closed their eyes as the alcohol burnt slightly their throats. 

«I love Soju.» Jeongin spoke without thinking and all of them looked at him blankly. Seconds later, Chan's hand smacked his back of his head playfully and gave him a warning stare. 

«I'm sorry.» Jeongin answered, as the youngest member amongst them right away and instantly blushed. Felix then laughed disdainfully.

«Come on, where's the next one?» Han whined and Chan started to fill the shots again.

«We won't fall into your trap again!» Changbin shouted and the others nodded. «Just because you can't get drunk easily we--»

«Oh come on! Last time I promised that I wouldn't go that far again!» Han answered playfully with a wide smile.

«What are you talking about?» Felix asked, trying to follow the conversation.

«Mr.Han here… is our drinking Champion.» Minho explained and Felix nodded. «Do you think you can beat him?» Then he suddenly asked, and he continued with a smirk.

«How many bottles?» Felix looked towards Han as he played with his empty glass. The boys exchanged stares between themselves. They were actually finding this amusing.

«Pfft! You'll be out by the time we open the 4th bottle. Don't even try it.» Han replied full with confidence.

«You call three bottles an achievement?» Felix raised his eyebrows towards Minho with disappointment. Han turned his head instantly and tapped his shot on the table.

«Please don't tell me they're going to start what I am thinking.» Jeongin cried out to Chan. 

«Are we thinking the same thing?» Changbin whispered to Seungmin without taking his eyes away from Han and Felix.

«Sadly, I think we're thinking the same thing for the first time ever.» Seungmin commented shocked, as he opened a bag with chips. Changbin didn't hesitate and dipped his hand in it.

«You think you can beat me?» Han asked, staring Felix straight at his face. 

«I don't like competitions.» Felix replied and Han looked annoyed with his answer.

«Because you always lose. That's why.» Han spat and grabbed his full shot. Felix noticed at that time that the other boys were taking sides, and dropping bets. _They're so pathetic_.

«I actually don't like competing, because I only know how to win.» Felix smiled towards Han and the boys instantly cheered.

«Chan, fill him up.» Han spoke without hesitation. Chan filled Felix's shot and then Han turned his entire body towards him. «What do you say, wanna try me?»

«Felix, no-one has ever won against him. You shouldn't do it.» Jeongin hesitantly said but Felix ignored him. 

«He's the one to lose here.» Felix replied and then they both emptied their glasses.

The shots continuously kept getting filled and emptied within seconds, but no-one actually cared. The boys were indeed enjoying themselves and were having a great time with Felix. They talked about childhood memories and random things that no-one ever thought of and as more bottles got nothing but air in them, the guys were already feeling too tipsy.

Felix at that time, he had already loosen up. He was mocking and laughing at Han non-stop, giggling and being a loud mess with him and the boys, without even noticing. Alcohol made him a carefree chaos, but they all seem to enjoy that after all.

«I think I'm feeling it! _Wooo_!» Minho randomly shouted and Changbin followed him. 

«Oh shit! Where did the bottles go?» Changbin said with a high-pitched voice as he too, felt drunk at that time. Seungmin pointed at Felix and Han right away, who had already emptied four bottles of Soju each.

«Guys!» Hyunjin tried to say while giggling to himself. «Chan went offline.» He continued and laughed hard as he pointed at him. Chan had fallen asleep on the table with a bottle of Soju in his hand. That made almost all the boys wheeze.

«I knew he was going to end up like this.» Han mumbled as his tongue tripped over and over again.

«You know everything, as always.» Jeongin said and then stood up, trying to balance himself. «I am going to quit.» He then informed and wrapped Chan's arm around his head. 

«We're off too. Let us carry him.» Changbin and Seungmin said as they stood up with difficulty as well.

«Oh come on! The party isn't over!» Minho whined but they didn't even bother to give his drunk ass an answer. Felix filled their shots again and just nodded at the boys who left the room.

Hyunjin, Minho and Han were now the only members there, and they all were feeling more than tipsy for sure. Minho's hand was wrapped around Han's shoulders and Hyunjin was sitting closer to Felix. 

«What should we do now?» Minho asked as they all drank their glasses. «Any ideas?»

«The fight isn't over yet.» Han replied as he grabbed another bottle from the shopping bag.»

«He's pathetic.» Felix shook his head with disappointment.

«Let's play spin the bottle.» Minho proposed and Han giggled afterwards. Hyunjin was actually too busy filling the empty glasses to react, and Felix just remained silent. « **Ya**! I'm talking.» Minho growled.

«Yeah let's do this.» Han replied without thinking just to make him shut his mouth. Hyunjin glanced at Felix and waited for his answer.

«Isn't it a kid's game?» Felix sighed, trying to avoid this.

«We're Stray Kids. _Hello~_ » Minho laughed out loud and then Felix rolled his eyes, defeated. He actually didn't see that answer coming.

«Sure, whatever.» Felix then quickly spat.

«Hyunjin no talking, let's get started.» Minho spoke for him and grabbed one empty bottle. Then, he carefully pushed away everything in front of them. «Who wants to start?»

«I'll do it.» Han replied as he drank again. At that moment, he grabbed the bottle from Minho's hands and carefully spinned it on the table. The bottle made full circles and suddenly stopped right at himself. 

«Spin again.» Minho and Hyunjin said at the same time laughing. Han sighed and he re-spinned it. The bottle again made its circles and slowly stopped…. At Han, _again_.

« **Ya**! This game is broken.» Han shouted angrily.

«You're useless even in a kids game.» Felix giggled and gave a high-five to Hyunjin.

«Try for yourself then, jackass!» Felix rolled his eyes and spinned the bottle with grace. It was spinning fast at first, but at some point it started slowing down. All of them were eyeing the bottle with great anticipation. Then, suddenly the bottle stopped at Hyunjin. Felix turned at Hyunjin, as the blonde widened his eyes.

«This doesn't count right?» Hyunjin asked, fixing his hair awkwardly. «It was Han's turn.»

«No Jinnie.» Minho smirked and looked towards Felix. «It counts.»

«Bullshit.»

«You don't want to kiss me?» Felix then asked as he noticed how Hyunjin frowned.

«I just feel weird about this.» Hyunjin muttered as he drank his shot.

«I don't feel anything, though.» Felix laughed drunkenly and then leaned a little bit forward, closer to Hyunjin. «Here, I'll stay still and you do it.» He continued closing his eyes expressionless.

Hyunjin then noticed how obviously the other two boys were staring. After giving them a warning look, he turned to Felix and slowly pulled him closer. Felix could feel that the blonde was only a few centimetres away from him, and that thought made himself feel a weird knot in his stomach. _What's this_? Hyunjin's alcoholic heavy breath caressed Felix's face, and soon after their lips touched tentatively. 

Felix couldn't actually process what he was doing at that point. The alcohol in him had clearly taken over him. His right hand touched slightly Hyunjin's neck and pressed his lips against him even more possessively. And so, he found a way to deepen their kiss. Their breaths mingled in the air, with their hearts beating fast and irrationally. The time seemed to have passed so quickly and it was Hyunjin, who finally pulled back at first, seeking for clear oxygen.

« _Fuck_.» Hyunjin whispered as he observed how turned on Felix looked right in front of him. 

«I like this game.» Minho spoke with a devilish smile on his face. He then grabbed the bottle and spinned it for himself. Felix turned towards them and tried to make himself comfortable again just like Hyunjin.

«It's entertaining.» Han commented too and noticed how the bottle finally ended up, pointing at him. 

«Oh, poor Hannie.» Minho laughed as he grabbed him from his sweatshirt's neckline. He also didn't hesitate and quickly let their lips meet. Felix and Hyunjin actually looked away and tried to ignore their make out session. Few minutes passed and they finally stopped their sloppy kisses.

« _Shit_ , Minho.» Han spat as his cheeks had already turned red. «I'm out. You win.» He continued after seconds and tried to stand up. It took seconds for Felix to realise that he had won over the drinking competition. _I knew it._

«We should call it a night then.» Hyunjin spoke and Felix's eyes for some weird reason sparkled when they met his.

«Minho, help.» Han hissed, once he stumbled and almost fell on the table. Minho started giggling and with his own difficulty helped out Han. The boys left the room after a few minutes and left Hyunjin and Felix alone. At that time, Felix was gathering the empty bottles in the shopping bag while Hyunjin was still sitting and drinking Soju.

«Are you still drinking?» Felix asked as he sat again next to him. The blonde didn't reply and just emptied his shot. 

«You said it's fake right?» Hyunjin asked all of a sudden.

«Hm?» Felix instantly questioned him, trying to understand what he was talking about.

«Your smile...» Hyunjin explained and Felix nodded. «Mine's too.» The blonde unexpectedly continued, as he refilled their glasses. Felix was staring at him, analyzing every movement.

«Oh..» 

«We're all getting fucked by this industry, you know.» Hyunjin muttered and sighed. «It's okay if it's fake.» He then added as he turned towards Felix. «You still exist behind that falseness, after all.»

«Why are you saying this to me?» Felix then asked with confusion, as his thoughts were already a mess, due to alcohol.

«Because...» Hyunjin almost whispered and looked at him blankly for a few seconds. «I'm drunk.»

«Me too.» Felix smiled unaware.

«Is this fake, too?» The blonde half-smiled and Felix then realised what he was doing. _Why am I laughing_?

«I don't know.» Felix looked down disappointingly. Suddenly, Hyunjin's hands touched Felix's cheeks.

«I think you know.» He replied. Felix glanced at Hyunjin's lips multiple times, as his face was already closer to his.

«Why are you doing this?» Felix whispered and felt his heart race for a bit.

«Doing what?» Hyunjin smirked as he suddenly moved away from him. «I don't know.» He then copied him with excitement. «Let's listen to some music, yeah?»

«Sure, whatever.» 

_Did I just feel something? There's no way. I'm just overthinking because I'm drunk. That's it_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh you made it alive, jeez !🤭
> 
> Please comment if you want to see some particular interactions between the members!   
> Also don't forget to leave kudos!❤️
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did. Which was your favourite part? Xoxo
> 
> All the love,  
> Stray karma ❤️


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